I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
