i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Who died my cat blue again?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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