My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
