we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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