I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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