Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
