i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
