Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We're too hungover to prance.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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