Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
