My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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