So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
