I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
