I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
