she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
