Can i not drive my cunt home
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
