there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
