you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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