On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
