awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
