drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he high fived his dick after we had sex
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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