I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
