I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
there is puke in my bra ... again
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