don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
