i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize