If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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