yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
