I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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