I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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