halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
