the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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