the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
