Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
