I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
