I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
