if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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