Pants 0. Shit 1.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
