We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
