That's intense
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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