I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
