I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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