I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i've created a new STD.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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