see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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