All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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