Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
