I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
