Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
