Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
