Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
