im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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