in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
