I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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