Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
