You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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