I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
