it's not cheating when I paid for it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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