I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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