I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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