just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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