my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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