Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
