i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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